Dali? Not sure. Thanks CB for the image!
Since the winter, I have been holding a private dialogue in my head that I needed change. Change? Everything's always changing... what do I mean change? It took me a while for all of my questions to click into one big idea, but finally last weekend, I had a near holy experience in the desert that opened my mind to thoughts I had long since oppressed. I don't need all this stuff. I don't need to work, so that I can have money, so that I can pay my rent, so that I have somewhere to sleep, so that I'm rested for work. I knew that way back when I was just a teenager, but somehow I allowed myself to ignore this truth and just do it. Even in January when I looked around at all the cute things in my great apartment and thought, "What's it all for?" I simply ignored my question and told myself not to fight it, for our society is too strong.
For the last year, I have been running around cracking the whip, grueling in factories and answering to an office; all while driving up to 80 miles per day for that good ol' 9-5. "Whoopie!" I thought. "I have a career." But really, I hate all the answering to others. I like the line of work, I'm just not really into working for Babylon. There are so many sacrifices made just to do what is socially acceptable.
When I first started this job last February, I took extreme measures... basically cutting off all of my friends, I began focusing on my yoga practice, waking with the sun, and meditating in the morning just so that I could get a strong rhythm in my working for the man. And it didn't stop there, I sacrificed my creative life, my family life, and even my love life just to keep up with all of this. And it didn't start there either. For as long as I can remember, I have thought it valuable and necessary to work my ass off for other people just so that I could have a fabulous home and a luxurious lifestyle.
This May marks the 5th year that I have been living in my wonderful apartment, but oddly enough, all this yoga and meditating I've been doing to keep focused, has actually led me to question why I even need all of this. Stability is a beautiful thing that was once foreign to me, but somehow in all this hunkering down, I allowed for adventure and variety to become a memory. But not for long...
This month began with the surprising news that my company has decided to change my responsibilities and cut my salary in half. This isn't the first time financial shifts have happened since I've been living in my expensive treehouse, so at first, I wasn't really worried about it. My boss told me my fate, and of course I protested, but I was willing to open up my energy to find new work that would fill the time my previous work had occupied. I mean, I've been in my place 5 years during this crap economy and I've somehow always managed to stay afloat.
But after our meeting commenced, I allowed myself a moment to really think about it. Sitting in my car with Charlie Parker and my gross microwaved egg sandwich from Strip Malls R Us, I thought: What the hell? I don't need this crap. Just because they want to be cheap and make me be "more focused," for the next 3-6 months while they figure out how the hell to run a production department, doesn't mean I want to. Nor do I need to. And right then (of course, after phoning my father to check my logic), I walked into that office and told the company manager my thoughts. She's actually really awesome, so we talked it out and agreed to allow me to go home and think things over for the next couple of days.
After much deliberation, I have decided to gracefully resign from my position and I will be phasing myself out of the company over the next two weeks.
At no point after I realized that I didn't have to take this, was I afraid of what would happen, but I momentarily thought that because my parents simply cannot help me, and because I haven't been able to save very much over the last few years, that I did not have a safety net. I wasn't worried, but I thought it would be difficult. And then I realized, "Wait a minute... I do have a safety net. It's not an IRA or my parents' check books, it's all my friends! I'm not alone, and it's not as if I have no place to go. It's not as if I have no options. I have all the options in the world, and I have plenty of friends and family to support me through this in various ways!"
My goodness, as you can imagine, I was starting to feel liberated. For the last 5 years I simply took work because I "needed" it to keep my apartment. And before that I did the same for other places. But I only need to work that hard if I think I need that apartment! Such freedom I felt just from changing my perspective! Hello? If I have less of an overhead, I won't have to work so much, and I can focus on my freelance and my jewelry (which I can make a living off of), so what the hell have I been doing this whole time?!
Hahaha! I guess I wanted to do the career thing. And it's not to say that I won't do it again, but I definitely know that I need this change and am welcoming it. I used to travel. I used to garden. I haven't had time to do those things, or to even go on a date since I don't know when. I'm so happy to bring this change, though I know there will be sacrifices with this new life as well.
So, at the end of this month I am moving onto a simpler life. Simpler, but more free. Charlie Parker is gonna be so happy! And ma's gonna start a new chapter. Change is constant, it's stability that isn't. Stability is just an illusion. I think we like to make ourselves feel in control of our lives by creating the illusion of stability, but for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to see the truth: that everything is temporary.
I guess this means you'll probably be seeing me out eating at restaurants and hanging with friends like the old days, so please do say hi. I'm not sure what's going to happen next, but I am certainly relieved to know that with the help of all of you, I'm going to be just fine!
Thank you everyone for your love and support. This year truly is the year of the unknown!